What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?

Lots of blood tests!

Why did Dracula's mother give him cough medicine?

Because he was having a coffin fit.

What did Dr. Frankenstein get when he put a goldfish brain in the body of his dog?

I don't know, but it is great at chasing submarines.

Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?'

Cos everyone was a goblin.

Why did the vampire's lunch give him heartburn?

It was a stake sandwich.

Dracula decided he need a dog, which breed did he choose?

A bloodhound.

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?Halloween grave jokes

A dead ringer.

What do skeletons always order at a restaurant?

Spare ribs!

Who was the most famous French skeleton?

Napoleon bone-apart.

Who won the skeleton beauty contest?

No body.

What do you call serious rocks?

Grave stones.

What do you call pretend rocks?

Shamrocks.

 

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.  Kurt Vonnegut

 

Ghosts, like ladies, never speak till spoken to.  Richard H. Barham

 

Where there is no imagination there is no horror.  Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

 

At first cock-crow the ghosts must go Back to their quiet graves below.  Theodosia Garrison

 

If a man harbors any sort of fear, it makes him landlord to a ghost.  Lloyd Douglas

 

If you haven't found something strange during the day, it hasn't been much of a day.  John A. Wheeler

 

We live in a Newtonian world of Einsteinian physics ruled by Frankenstein logic. David Russell

What is a vampires favorite holiday?

Fangsgiving.

What do skeletons say before they begin dining?

Bone appetite!

What is a ghoul's favourite drink?

Slime juice

What does Mrs Ghost serve for dessert?

Ice scream.

What do fishermen say on Halloween?

'Trick-or-trout!'

Where do spooks go to post a parcel?

The ghost office.

What did the vampire say to the Invisible Man?

'Long time, no see!'

Why is Dracula so unpopular?

Because he's a pain in the neck!

What runs around a cemetery but doesn't move?

A fence!

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?

Because demons are a ghouls best friend!  (Diamonds ... Girls!)

What did the mother ghost say her children?

'Don't spook until you're spooken to.'

 

Why do witches wear name tags?

So that they can tell witch is which!

What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?

A sand-witch.

Why do witches fly on brooms?

Vacuum cleaner cords aren't long enough.

What do you call a witch's garage?

A broom closet.

Why don't angry witches ride their brooms?

They're afraid of flying off the handle.

What do witches put on their hair?

Scare spray.

What do they teach at witches school?

Spelling.

When is it bad luck to meet a black cat?

When you're a mouse.

What does a witch ask for in a hotel?

Broom service.

What happened when a boy vampire met a girl vampire?

It was love at first bite!

How does a girl vampire flirt?

She bats her eyes.

What's did the girl say when a vampire kissed her?

It was a pain in the neck.

What do you call a skeleton who won't work?

Lazy bones. 

What's a skeleton's favourite musical instrument?

A trom-bone!

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?

Dayscare centres.

Why don't skeletons like parties?

They have no body to dance with.

What was the favourite game at the ghosts' birthday party?

Hide and shriek.

What do the birds sing on Halloween?

Twick or tweet.

Why do mummies make good employees?

They get all wrapped up in their work.

Who did the ghost invite to his party?

Anyone he could dig up!

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?

His ghoul friend.

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?

He didn't have a haunting license.

How can you tell if a vampire likes baseball?

The night that he goes into a bat.

Where do spooks water ski?

On Lake Erie.

Where do mummies go for a swim?

To the dead sea.

What kind of streets do zombies like to haunt?

Dead end streets.Witches flying on broomsticks - jokes

What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?

Count duckula.

What's a monster's favourite Shakespeare play?

Romeo and ghouliet.

Who does Dracula get mail from?

His fang club.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire ?

Frostbite.